Lately I’ve been feeling less than copesetic…
My heart has been twisted, crushed, and put back together more times than I can count.
The thing I fear as an ex-addict, more than death, is turning back to my former darkness in a moment of desperation.
I don’t mind being discouraged or disappointed… but I cannot return to a state of HOPELESSNESS.
As an addict you are fully aware of the fact that you always have ONE MORE relapse in you… but you never know if you have ONE MORE recovery.
So when I get upset, tired, frustrated please excuse my retreat into myself for however long it takes to find myself on solid ground again. Because for most people when they run into emotional extremes, they run the risk of offending someone… but my consequences are LIFE and DEATH.
I no longer have the luxury of not dealing with the quiet angst of everyday life. I must stop and unpack them before my load gets too heavy.
But above all, I have to relearn what brought me here in the first place. I didn’t get sober on my own and I won’t STAY sober on my own.
JESUS is my first, last, and ONLY line of defense.
He helps me unpack, and carries the load if necessary. He reminds me to quiet the loud thoughts and first reactions, and give place to that STILL SMALL VOICE.
Sometimes I get bitter and angry because the struggle is too GREAT.
I ask WHY?
Why is this my struggle?
It sometimes feels like He breaks me down and pulls me apart…
But I later realize that He does it with tenderness and surgical precision, to remove the things that wish to kill me.
And I see Him care for me and tell me it’s not my struggle, it’s OURS… because He has never left me alone to face it.
And with each scrape comes a scar… a scar that makes me stronger and wiser.
So while it hurts still, even in this moment, I will thank Him for my scars and my weaknesses. Because they are beatiful.
Becauae they allow me to remember my humanity and His divinity.
And because my scars bring me closer to looking like Him who also has scars.