Should I stay or should I go?

Anyone who has been in a relationship long enough to disagree over one thing or another has asked themselves this question?

Lots of these disputes can actually be healthy, and are a part of learning to coincide with another human being.

LIVE and let LIVE!

But what about the big ones?

You know! The DEAL BREAKERS?

Are there even such things in a covenantal relationship?

I’m not sure.

I look at Jesus’ relationship with me and He knows how many times I’ve broken my promises to Him…

How many times I’ve let Him down…

Neglected to pay Him attention…

Yet He NEVER backs down.

He NEVER loves me less.

And He NEVER leaves me.

This week has been more than difficult… more like devastating.

We look at that couple in the church, you know the one…

Barely keeping it together,

Trying to maintain the “EVERYTHING’S OKAY!” image they wish was true.

But we see through it, and so does God.

So it’s no surprise I find myself in this place again.

I’ve started calling it the “asking place” because it is the last level of heartbreak I reach before I no longer have an answer or solution.

I’m forced to ask. I ask my best friend. I ask my church. I ask God.

I hate asking. But here I am… again.

If you want to know how exactly I ended up in an inner-city women’s shelter, with my husband’s phone number blocked, and desperately trying to pretend this isn’t happening. This isn’t how things were supposed to go.

 Not for me anyways.

I’m a Christian blogger. I’m supposed to be the one with the perfect answers and the perfect life, right?

Well, apparently that blog belongs to another… CLEARLY.

I have NO IDEA what the near future holds, and definitely NO IDEA what is salvageable from the mess we’ve made.

But I do know this…

It is not the end, only a chapter, and whether I leave (like many have told me is the best option) or stay (like many others have suggested is what Jesus would do) I know that it will be with careful prayer, continued sober thought, and genuine love for him.

Because I do love him. More than he knows, but I just don’t know if he knows how to love me back.

Time is the great reveal-er of all things, and God was not shocked by my crisis.

He’s been ready for years.

So as much as I appreciate your loving advice leaning me one way or the other, please do me a favor and just love me right now. Pray for me, for us, right now. I need grace right now, not judgment for things that I didn’t actually do.

I don’t even really want to address it, but it needs to be said that I have not relapsed, although I do thank those of you for your concern however misplaced.

It is an interesting thing to be an ex-addict because no matter how far you’ve come, should any sign of emotional instability appear then suspicions begin to rise.

So this is a un-post. I’m leaving the question un-answered because….

It is a brand new day, and I am excited about the future!

No matter what it holds, I KNOW it is going to be GOOD. Because my Savior handpicked it for me! I feel Him here, in the middle of my valley, leading, guiding, and comforting me.

And I think I’m gonna let Him keep on doing whatever it is He’s doing, because He hasn’t led me wrong thus far. This journey has bumps, and I’m going to get bruises, but He alone knows the destination… and that’s good enough for me.

Sound good?


One Comment Add yours

  1. This “un-post” absolutely brought me to tears. Your words are very moving and all I can say is thanks!


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